There is a right way
and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get
caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the
process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine
compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is
rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a
courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The
logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know
them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim
couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with
each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to
dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc.
Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal &
chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these
limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the
critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never
and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the
“getting to know someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly
what to look for and avoid:
1)
Do Not Marry Potential:
Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman
considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach
on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re
married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee,
after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for
the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are
then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as
ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene,
communication skills, etc.
2)
Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important,
character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the
fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should
never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse
infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for
include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown
of each trait:
- Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but
rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles
above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and
avoid materialism.
- Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek
to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver,
observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have
gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If
not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How
do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters,
sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do
they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s
anger?
- Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances,
relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and
trust what they say.
- Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life.
They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on
what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely
complain.
3)
Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Both men and women have emotional needs and
in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met.
The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental
emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman
feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation.
To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, &
Relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy
and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by
the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a
man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more
encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes
seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to
give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working
together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
4)
Avoid Opposing Life Plans:
In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common
purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.
- You must know what the person
is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then
ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are
into?”
- The more specifically you
define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the
better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the
one you are most compatible with.
- Remember, before you decide who
to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
5)
Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:
- Recognize that there is
incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy
before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred
what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
- Aside from the obvious
spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time,
important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to
the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes
difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
- Intellectual commitment must be
established before emotional or sexual commitment.
6)
Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
- Do
I respect and admire this person?
What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
- Do
I trust this person?
Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can
I believe what they say?
- Do
I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe
with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can
I express myself?
- Do
I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I
don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and
truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe
when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are
married!
7)
Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a
good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is
the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you
can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are
in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you
say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and
are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive
relationship. Look for the following things:
- Controlling
behavior: This includes controlling the
way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your
hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between
suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the
demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences.
All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.
- Anger
issues: This is someone who raises
their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses
anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have
to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this
behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with
you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues
before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.
Beware
of Lack of Openness In Your Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not putting
everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I
need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What
bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to
identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are
afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion
about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing
up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how
well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get
into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work
well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep
questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle
it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed?
Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t
just listen to what they say but watch
for how they say it!
9)
Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to remember no one else is
responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will
fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting
married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person,
they will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are currently
not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your
life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work
on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring
these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.
10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and
Availability In Your Potential Partner: Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy
or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the
emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more)
people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly
dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is
no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:
- Avoid people who are
emotionally empty inside. These include people who don’t like themselves
because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always
preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts.
They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are
isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends,
and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication
about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have
a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take
care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs
and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally
available to build healthy relationships.
- Addictions can also limit the
level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional
relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs
and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work,
internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism,
etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be
emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!
Additional
Points to Consider:
- The fact is no one looks 25
forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their
appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love
them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
- Once we find someone, we
consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we
decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they
were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We
don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
- Never separate someone from
their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear
questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have
a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would
you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
- Be flexible. Be open-minded!
- Giving in a happy marriage
should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure
and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.
- Morality and spirituality are
the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and
health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side
during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t
take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to
fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who
considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared
spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a
successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which
require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as
the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the
spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance
between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong
key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a
presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
No comments:
Post a Comment